Speaking of the silent words

My first TP test.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:41:55 GMT

YEAH!
i had my first TP ytd at 1545hrs and i FAILED. with 40 points. just alone inside the circuit. so clever, cynthia. keep it up! and ppl who are reading this and taking TP in near future, pls take note of those ah nei on road or at construction site. they just think that the roads are own by them and i swear they will make u fail like an idiot.

FUCK.

treasure.

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:23:51 GMT

the other night, lester gave me this website of someone's blog. he ask me to read starting from the 10th june onwards. i asked him why he jus tell me to read and so i did. the song played on the blog is saddening. and then i go on reading. and then i end up tearing. its actually a blog the gf of clifton ( the army boy who is a pilot to be and pass away during the army training in brunei ).
on the 10th, girl was waiting to see her bf in like 4days time. she is a happy girl then. the post after that which is the 18th june, is the post that make me tear like no one business. the way she mention how he left her so sudden, the things they yet to do and many more,make me realise how sudden something cud happen to one. i cudnt imagine how she goes thru the pain of losing someone she love so dearly, someone she had been tgt for 4yrs, someone she call almost husband. i noe if im in her shoe, i definitely wun be as strong as her. as i read on her posts, every single one she mentioned abt him, saying he will still come back and all. my god, can u imagine the trauma she is going thru every single day? looking at the pictures they've taken tgt, those smses left in her fone, the machine "answering" her call when she dial his no. imagine u no longer will receive any more msges nor calls from ur bf. it jus totally sucks. furthermore, knowing that you cud nvr see him agn, hug and kiss him anymore. the warmth of his body no longer be felt. you just couldnt see him agn anymore. oh, tt will be hell. i will choose to lose all my memories. smhow at this pt of time, i will say that memories are the most cruel thing. they will just haunt u every now and then. sigh. i just wish she will be fine.
after reading her blog, i sat back and think. thinking how God let me met hary, make us in love with each other. suddenly. i start to fear. im afraid that i will lose *him so sudden one day. ( i dun wan this to happen. oh pls. ) den smhow i realise how much i havent treasure him well. to the maximum i wud say. the quarrels and arguements, the anger i vent on *him. the ill treatment given to *him at times of my dwn time. oh, cynthia, u havent been a gd gf.
sigh. i dunno how to go on saying how i feel now or rather i dunno how to put them in words. but importantly, just want to share with everyone that, pls treasure EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in ur life now before its too late to regret. and this is a reminder to me. yes, treasure.

random.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 16:23:39 GMT

yeah, i know its like damn long since i last posted. haha. im jus to lazy to update. anw, hows everyone? i hope all doing fine. attachment finishing soon in 3mks time and which means im having my hols REAL soon. i cant wait for it. seriously. well, i knew alot alot of nice ppl during these attachment, nice doctors (handsome ones) lols. come to think about passing out soon, im not prepared. not at all. i just wish to be in nursing student uni always. the responsibilities when in SGH uni will be so much different and i start to doubt about myself whether i cud cope with it. sigh. is nursing wad i really wan to do for the rest of my life? i wonder.
after nursing patients for the past 3 yrs, i finally gt to be a patient. yeah yea, i was admitted at A&E observation ward on fri. now they have such rule that u can be warded at A&E for at least 8hrs and no nid to be warded at ward level so to save one day charge. well, lying on the bed, with drip on my hand, blood drawing and the stupid doc had really bad skill becos its damn PAINFUL. haha. when i was lying there, many thoughts came to me. i finally understand that kind of helplessness, hopelessness emotions that my patients are overcoming every single day. im jus warded for 8hrs and i cant wait to go home. im only on drip for 4hrs and i cant stand the pain and inconvinence of moving ard. now i understand why sm patient gets really f at times.
okays. turning in. tmr have to report to wrk alrd. shugs. can someone make weekends longer? i will appreciate it.
(: good nights all.

FUCK

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:57:12 GMT

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck off, love.

FUCK !

whats love all about now.?

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:40:48 GMT

seriously, i need someone to tell me what is love all about now.? isit jus merely talking about 2 people having feelings for each other or is it sthg more than that.? i dont know. i never felt so lost in love before especially when 2 ppl are still in love. i always strongly believe that in a relationship, we nid to trust each other, tolerate, acceptance, understandings and importantly communicating. i failed all those i mentioned. i cant communicate with my *bf, and today, i realised how much *he believe those words, explanations that are coming out from my mouth. i dont know how to go on from here. i tried. i really tried letting *him noe how i feel exactly, wads on my mind, but *he can never understands and accept them. so, here, tell me whats the point me trying to explain myself so much when things goes wrong.? i always thought that ur significant one will always listen, understand and accept unless its sthg too much. i always thought that ur significant one will always be there for you be it happy, sad or angry. but why is it that i seems to have *him only when im happy and sometime sad. when it comes to me being angry, we will end up quarreling.? yes, i admit i shudnt vent my anger on *him but i always thought *he wud understand. but i guess im wrong.
at this very point of time, i feel like walking away. *he always says that i solve every prob by walking away and putting brk up in my mouth. yes, i admit i do. and the only reason is, i strongly believe tt a rs arent suppose to be like this. im tired. im really am. i tried hard too, i put in effort too. but will *he believe wad i say.? the thought having a boyfriend who dont even willing to listen, understand, accept and solving those superficial probs, i just feel like giving up. its nt because i dun feel anything for *him anymore but is that i really dunno how to show my affections towards *him anymore.
i always have the thought that since we will definitely meet more probs ahead us if we were to last, and now, small probs like these we cant even solve it, den what say those major ones.? if i were to choose, i will really choose to end eve4rything early than keep it dragging. it will be so much harder to part then. and its one of the reason y i always choose to walk away when probs arise. isnt brkin up now better than in the future.? i dont know if i having this thinking is right but all i know is im alrd so out words to explain, out of ideas to try to solve probs. it wun wrks when you only having one hand to clap. and yes, im doing that right now. i hate tokin to *him when probs arise becoz im jus like tokin to myelf. there is no response, no words from *him.! so, isnt it tt im tokin to myself.?
im pissed. damn pissed i swear. i have no patience now, seriously. fuck.
move on or let go.?
im sick and tired of all these rubbish.!
fuck off !

its not easy to see

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 08:43:58 GMT

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And I show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A babe that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won't fall down while I'm asleep

Define LOVE ?

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 16:27:23 GMT

im lost without you.
im hurt been with you.

i love you, yes i know.
you love me, no i don't know.

let me go if you arent true anymore.
i will take my love for you with me,
to a place you won't find me.

love?
tell me what's it.
define?
for me.

sharing.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:20:42 GMT

awesome songs which tells off my indescribable feelings. Enjoy them ya.

Over You by Chris Daughtry

Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Aparatus

Blind by Lifehouse

Collide by Howie Day

updated.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 13:16:38 GMT

hello.! yup i noe i havent been updating for like so damn long. i guess i just got the sudden thot of posting sthg here today. dunno why, seems to have alot of unwanted emotions now. school and love. yes, they really plunges me into depression, into an oh-again kind of emotions. FYP is driving me nuts. all those high demands, those confused instruction, those sudden datelines. like oh fcuk. plus many many date due-ing projects and im starting one of my exam nxt week. im dying. i swear.

love.? well well, as usual, those quarrels and arguements. i admit that im so much not so soft-hearted as compared but however, im still not brave enough bringing myself to face any tremendous cahnges that may occur if i choose to end tis rs. im very sure about my feelings for him are still so true, but i really cant just ignore the probs we facing. communication btw us broke dwn. for little thing, tats it. argue. now, im boyfriend-less and it will last for the nxt 2 days. i told him, these 3 days, we can think thru our rs. think thru how tis rs shud move on. im sad. im despair. i felt so lost. i felt so lonely now. sigh. i finding things to do to kip my mind occupied. to carry my mind away from those hurting things.

ok. i dunno how i shud carry on. off i go. bye.

move on or let go ?

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 08:45:36 GMT

i thought things will get better between us.
but not till today.
i thought our relationship had always stood strong and still.
but not till today.
i thought ive found someone who really can tolerates me who understands me.
but not till today.
i thought ive found someone who will accept who i am and how i am.
but not till today.

today, on the 29.09.07
our 11th monthsary,
i found out alot of things.
i realise alot of things.
i learnt alot of things.
all the things *you told me all these days make me think alot.
never we quarrel for so many days.
never i feel so strange to *you.
never i thought our relationship will come to this stage.
the shoutings, the accusing, the assuming, the ignorance, the attitude, the temper.
suddenly, i feel tat i lost the guy who loves me well loves me true.
*he is gone.

this is the worst monthsary i ever have.
i really dunno wad else i can do wad else i can say.
i come to this stage that i really really really dunno how to move on.
i wan to love *him still i wan *him in my life still.
but i also dun wan a relationship like tis.
i dun wan to be someone who can never listen to me anymore, never understands me anymore.
someone who only want to doubt me in everything i say i do.
i dunno i dunno i really dunno.
if letting go makes things better,
i'll leave.
i will.
for the best for both of us.

im thinking.
im reflecting.
i dun understand why and what change things to be like this.
we used to fight like this but why this time seems to be the last time.
the feeling is strong in losing each other.
yes.
its there.

the tears,
never stop flowing.
the heart,
never stop hurting.
oh God,
please take all these away!
please.
if You need,
take me away.!

down. downer. downest.

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 16:59:09 GMT

yes,
i noe you guys gg say sthg like,
"hey, you idiot.! how long you hadnt been updating.!"
i apologise.
im kinda not so into blogging everyday alrd.
i only blog when there are soo many things in within me that i couldnt put em in wrds tt ppl will understand me.
nt even the one i love understands.

n yes,
im sure u guys somehow get the hint.
yupp,
we fought.
AGAIN.
its been sometime since we fight over stuffs after *he gt *his job.
smtime i myself also dun quite understand why we can actually fight over small small things.
why sometime we can just pretend nth happen and avoid any unnecessary fights,
but sometime we just got so hard-headed that we must raise our voice at each other, show attitude, challenge each other's patience and stuffs like this.
sigh.
i hate it when *he says i dun care bout *him, dun understand *him.
then, tell me,
to what extent shud i go to so *he knows everything i do, i think,
*he is the priority, *he is the first that comes in my mind.
i hate it when *he's feeling shug, feeling tired,
*he blows *his top on me, accusing me.
everytime *he says im not fair to *him when im throwing my temper ard,
then had *he thought abt the same thing as well.?
is it fair to me.?

i dun understand why *he cant understand wad i say, wad i trying to say.
*he always say that i only look things and want things in my way and dun care about any other things, dun care about *his thinking.
den wad about *him?
wad i try to explain, wad i try to say, *he always insist in the manner that *he wants it to be.
n now,
tell me wads the point of me carry on explaining when all the words from me are nothing to *him.
*he can nvr except, *he can nvr understand.
only think im trying to be sarcastic, trying to accuse, trying to assume.
sigh.
sometime i just wish to give up talking, explaining myself to *him.
it doesnt help making things better instead, it makes it worst.
)':

anyway,
i think no one understand wad i trying to say.
maybe to a 3rd party, they might think its just a small thing.
but to me its nvr be.
because communication, giving in, accepting, tolerance are the keys to solve all probs.
and yes, me and *him seems to lack abit of this and that.
sigh.

ok.
fine.
off to bed.
with washing of face with tears agn i guess.
damn.

i want to sleep.!

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 15:44:42 GMT

i swear i wan to slp.
like NOW.
i hate biology.!
it sucks big time.
reading trhrough stomach, pancreas, liver, brain stem, spnial nerves, eyes, ear .....
arghs.!
these are too dry for me to be interested like at tis hour.
but wad can i do.?
my paper is tmr.
shugs.
fail sure.?
i guess but i pray i wun.

just to let you guys know,
i chnaged no.
if you dun haf it, let me noe ya.?

ok.
i shall go bck to my sucky subject.
i hate them all.!

and i swear i miss *baby a hell lot.
havent been tokin to *him much these days due to *his wrk.
i miss *you.
):

its from me to *him.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:15:35 GMT

Too many billion people
Running around the planet
What is the chance in heaven
That you'd find your way to me

Tell me what is this sweet sensation
It's a miracle that's happened
Though I search for an explanation
Only one thing it could be

That I was born for you
It was written in the stars
Yes I was born for you
And the choice was never ours
It's as if the powers of the universe
Conspired to make you mine
And till the day I die
I bless the day that I was born for you

Too many foolish people
Trying to come between us
None of them seem to matter
When I look into your eyes
Now I know why I belong here
In your arms I found the answer
Somehow nothing would seem so wrong here
If they'd only realize

That I was born for you
And that you were born for me
And in this random world
This was clearly meant to be
What we have the world could never understand
Or ever take away
And till the day I die
I bless the day that I was born for you

its from *him to me.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:15:12 GMT

Love was a lighthouse
Guiding the way
We were two boats on the ocean
Following shadows that led us astray
Case of mistake and emotion
Suddenly you’ve drifted back to my arms
And while we are lost in the dark

Love stood still
Movin’ us together
Love stool still
Leading us towards each other
Now we’re back at the start
‘Coz while we were apart
Love stood still

Love was a fire
Burned down to the close
Waiting for something to spark
We were two fireflies
Thrown to the glow
Saying you lit the flames in my heart
I had my reasons for letting you
But holding you again
I know

Now you ask me to stay
I’ll always feel this way
Now that nothing has ever changed

thanks everyone.

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 06:12:59 GMT

damnn.
i just finish typing everythings and because of the pop up its all gone which means i haf to typr all over agn.
arghs.

okays, i shall rewrite.

ytd was a GREAT day.
i had alot alot of fun.
the best bday celebration ever.
the rush hour 3, the seoul garden, the pool game.
they jus brings a big smile on my face.
((:

to *baby :
thanks for everything *you did for me. the balloons, the swensen cake, the addidas watch shared with the rest, the effort *you put in to get the one i wan, the bracelet, the couting dwn of birthday with me and mum, the birthday kisses and hugs, sms. *baby, without *you, i wouldnt be this happy. *you double the fun i haf. but it hurts to see *you so tired and sacrifing *your resting time. and now, my poor *baby is working now. heart pain. i wil be there when *you fin wrk kays.? i love *YOU a BIG BIG lots, honey !
:)

to darlings, brian, jimmy, roland, roy, kegan, guozhan, yuetwei, guangyi, tengwen:
thanks all for the num bag. i was shocked seeing that becoz darling told me that they couldnt get it. thanks thanks. and darlings, for the rose. our friendship. i treasure it.! i love you gals. and nt forgeting the pool.! it was REALLY fun and we shall pool MORE. tgt.
:)

to margaret, dexter, sebas, jimmy:
thanks for the addidas watch and card. i really love it.! and jimmy, thanks for the double sharing of present. xiexie. and margaret.! thanks for the piglet with flower. they are sweet.! silly, shudnt spend so much. but definitely, i appreciate it alot.!
:)

to tim and constance:
thanks for the bangles and necklance. they are really sweet. thanks alot.!
:)

to nakiah and majidah:
thanks for the friends forever bear. aiyo, you 2 shudnt spent money getting my present. i noe the reason. i understand ma. anw, i appreciate it.! thanks swties.
:)

to yati and bf:
thanks for the burberry perfume. and its wad *hary love and i bet *he wud smell me everytime i wear it. grins.
:)

to nadia and bf:
thanks for the nicey earings. they look classy.
:)

to meilan, firman, shamil, ilyas:
thanks for spending tis v day with me. and mel swts, no matter wad happen, im always here to listen, to care for you alrite.? i love u gal. huggs*
:)

to all those who wished me birthday:
thanks for the wishes. the thoughts are greatly appreciated. thanks peeps.
:)

*baby, i love you so much.
<3

this is the group that spent my bday tgt :

feeling lost.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 10:04:32 GMT

yeah, look like i only updat once a week.
and yes, its a wk after the last post.
grins.
tis week wasnt too bad.
no quarrels with *baby, dinner with stephen and all on mon, wrk on wed and blah blah.
last presentation to go and i bet it will be great esp doing it with a grps of crazy ppl.
they really can be creative.
(:
and then, EXAMS.
i hate them.
poot.

wanted to use my laptop to update my LJ so i can post the pic of the bag i wan frm NUM but i was too lazy to so i wil jus describe it.
(:
i want the one in black with golden wording of NUM or the one totally white with 2 zips in front and oso with wrding of NUM.
yupp yupp,
i want it.!
darlings.!!!
i noe u gals VERY good one rite.
grins.
and talking about , birthday.
sigh.
*baby have to wrk if *he cant find any replacement.
cry LOUD.
seriously, im really worried about it.
crossed my fingers wishing *he can find replacement.
*baby, it wil be a totally horrible birthday if its without *you.
):

im looking forward to my birthday this year.
with all my darlings gang and many peeps.
yeappy.!

duh. shugs.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 05:24:17 GMT

yes, the weather is so nice that i overslpt and i missed my tut.
den i thot my next lesson at 2 but come to realise its at 3.
wanted to play audtionsea but its patching now.
sigh.

ytd was a bad bad day.
the worst quarrel i ever haf with *him.
never hear *him tok to me in that way before, those words from *him jus struck me str8 into my mind.
how could thing turn out like tis.?
the first time i say break up right into *his face, and guess what, *he AGREEd.
shocked-
i walked away, *he stayed.
it was so terrible.
my heart seems to stop beating the moment i walked away and realising *he didnt followed.
i thought it was the end.
im jus so week.
im jus so soft hearted.
stupid me, walked bck and found *him standing there.
i was holding my lecture notes and used that to hit str8 hard on *his back.
*he turned ard shouting " you always like to hit me right.?! "
and hugged me with tears.
in *his arms, i feel like ive stop breathing.
i was crying so badly, hearing *his sob, i cried even harder.
the moment *he say " please dont walk away from me anymore ",
i feel tat im almost died.
the pain, the anger, the saddness.
they are jus too much for me to tk it one shot.

trust.
jus a wrd make up of 3 alphabets, seems so hard to understand.
i tried trusting but my trust always been abused.
faith.
i seems to lose them all bits by bits.
love.
i still loving the one i always do but the love bck to me seems fading away.
heart.
its died, and it nids time to heal and love to care.
US.
its *you and me, but how long we can stand tgt as one.
i will try and will kip on trying.

the day before, we sabo Stephen.
badly.
and as well as boon kee.
its really upset-ing that steph is leaving for marina.
or rather he had left for marina.
the manager that watch most of us grow in plaza, the manager that go thru lots and lots of things with us.
he's gone.
i really wonder how gv will be like without him.
sigh.
im on shift tonite, and seriously, i see no point wrking anymore.
no more *bf at wrk, most of the fun peeps left, best manager left.
sigh.
y has gv become like tis.?
hopefully there are some my clique peeps wrkin tonite.
i miss my mr handsome.
(:
tk care boss, tk care ah boon.
misses.
hope to see u guys on mon.!

hmmm, someone asked wad i wan on my birthday.
says that i din write my wishlist den dunno wad to buy.
hahas.so cute can.
well,
i want new urban male bag. ( i will tell u which one i refering to. grins. )
i wnat another new urban male sandals. (i can describe to u wich one. laughs. )
i want ALOT of money. ( who can give me that.? laughs. )
i want alot of ppl to celebrate tgt. ( it will be damn fun )

darlings, get my hint hint.
hahas.
i noe u all v good to me de.
right.???? *wink*
hopefully on the 11th aug, alot ppl gg.
it will be the best birthday i haf.
plus if stephen is joining.
woot.
double the best.
hahas.

darlings, i miss u gals.!
):

tired.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 05:01:12 GMT

finally one week at IMH is over.
anothe one more week wil be over and will be back to sch agn.
duh.
anw, i pass my bio prac.!
cant believe it can.
hahas.

nth much to blog actually.
gtg to do my case study.
boring.!
any kind soul wil want to do it for me.?
(:

~~i love my *baby.~~
c:

fullstop to this friendship

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 17:50:54 GMT

okays.
i swear ive never been so fucking pissed before over wad a FREN say abt me.
hahas.
its so silly to be affected by someone hu dun even treasure and appreciate me at all.
but i just cant help.
cant help thinking that such person will do tis to me.
like wad the can.
say wad,
"so sad den come all the way down to find someone to tok to but end up that person shows a face like i deserve everything and get prepare to go out."
hello?
den wad the time i spent with her at the bck of candy bar, nt closing my counter, tok to her, tryin my fuckin much to let her understand, the shoulder i lent her to cry on, let her shout at me but knowing she dun mean it, the hugs, the explanations.
fuck.
these are NOTHING to her.
she dun appreciate jiu forget it le but now accuse me can.
fuck.
tell me how to cool dwn this time.
plus last nite i heard hearing frm someone that she sae i never been there when she is sad, when she needed someone.
den, wad are all the smses, advices, the time i try to take out to listen to her.?
are they like rubbish to her.?
i dun expect her to repay at all but pls la, at least appreciate rite.?
im a human can.
i feel sthg.
and oh ya, tokin about im a human,
can u believe that she actually say that i dun wan to help her so she can be with the guy she love.?
oh pls, im HUMAN, not GOD.
i cnt change tat guy hrt to love her agn, to change that guy so he will treat her like before.
and does she noe that becoz of her, the guy oso start ignoring my smses and calls.?
wad ever it is, like i say.
i dun expect her to bao da wo but jus appreciate them.
jus becoz of one thing which i oso dunno wad that make her becum like tis, thinking tis way,
she choose to treat someone she call as baobei like tis.
haha.
den it makes me wonder am i her baobei once before.
now,
if ever she reads this, she must be angry becoz i noe she gt LOTS to say back and not thinking for others.
say things maybe like, " you oso mvr think on my point. i nvr explain. u oso accusing me."
yaya, i noe all these.
but hey, think on ur self before saying all these.
den if u feel we havent care for u before, den wad is that msg u send to me hary and sebas saying thanks for been there for u, having patience in u and say we are always ur baobei and kor.
haha.
den are all these words are just words that doesnt mean anything.?
she ever tells me that she treasure the frenship btw me and her alot esp after the incident at mac.
but now.?
hahas.
hu bringing this fight.?
tried so hard just to kip in contact with her after she went missing but she refuse to be contacted, den now, she shoot me saying that no one ever care the presence.
den, tell me all these msges sent, calls made are for wad.?
sigh.
i dunno wad goes wrong with her now la.
she no longer the gal i ever noe.
dun say wan to be like last time, the *name* i noe, the cute and happy gals.
hahas.
i think she will be gone for long.
maybe yrs dwn the road, she wud even forget a gal call cynthia as her baobei, the one hu try so hard but failed to mit her criteria as baobei.
seriously, i nvr thot tis day will come.
she not only hurt mi but the rest of the gv frens hu tried so hard to care.
she just refuse.
since this way, let her be.
dun drag anymore.
just end this short frenship.
a frenship i thot was strong but nt to today.
after hearing and seeing wad u think.
hahas.
maybe im jus a bullshit to u.
ok. bye. i leave u for gd.
even if one day we walk on street, you dun wan smile at me oso can.
becoz i will oso pretend ive nvr known u.
well, treasure the frens u think they are really frens.
dun end up like last time, becoz of one useless guy lose the frens hu really care for u.
bye.
and i shall not mention the name.
no matter wad, i shud still respect her as a human, as a fren.

real HEARTBREAK.

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 10:15:13 GMT

i always thot that by forgiving, by trusting, by believing what is shud,
everything btw the both of us will be alrite.
but not till today.
i really feel the real heartbreak.
the pain that i once went thru.
*you say that *you will not let me go thru all these again but why am i going thru em now.
agian.
alone sitting in front of the laptop crying and typing out how i feel.
i thot that we could communicate much better than i and her but im wrong.
and yes again,
ive to say them all out here because what i say to *you goes ard as bullshits, nonsense, asumption.
why.?
why cant *you just try to understand me a little more.?
think for my point of view a little more.?
why must *you always say that im expecting this and that when the truth that im not.
but do *you believe me.?
*you say im always asking question but have *you think the reason behind it.?
ask *yourself am i asking alot different questions or am i kip rpting wad i've asked.?
its all because when i talk to *You, *you always kip quiet.
den do *you noe how irritated can that be.?
*you ask me to have more patience in *you, i did n thats y i kip asking u the same old thing nicely but in the end, the attitude, the way *you talk bck to me is so terrible.
den will *you teach me how to tok to *you nicely again.?
sigh.
i dunno how to say.
all these,
*you all know it well.
ive been saying these over n over agn whenever we quarrel.
whenever *you say sorry, whenever *you say i shud gif *you chance to prove *yourself,
i did.
but what i get back from *you.?
*you continue hurting me like it doesnt bothers abt *you.
den why say that *you dun like seeing me sad, seeing me cry.
telling me that *you love me alot, i mean everything to *you.
im sure if someone is so impt, *you wouldn't want to do anything to hurt her at all.
worse,
when *You noe all these are the probs.
crys.
i dunno how to move on without *you.
really.
but i really DONT want get so much hurt anymore.
crys.

there are really so much words that cant be spoken.
no one understands other than me myself.
and so the reason its so torturing.

should it be a beautiful dream, an incomplete fairytale we shared.
i treasure.
i remember.
i miss.

whether this rs will move on,
i will leave it to fate.

dead.

the love WE share.

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 14:41:40 GMT

i dunno why, im feeling really down now.
i dun have the mood to study, i dun haf the mood to even open my mouth and tok.
suddenly i lost the interest in everything i have to do and i nid to do.
tmr is bio prac exam but im like half way thru memorising and i feel like giving up.
its so hard to explain y im feeeling this way.
this sense of lost, i hate it.

tmr is OUR 8th monthsay but im feeling sad now.
i hate quarreling with *you.
esp when its like 1 day beofre my exam, or even worse, beofre our monthsary.
i hate it.
sometimes i wonder how much *you really understands about me.
how much patience *you still have with me.
how long more will *you still love me so dearly.
sigh.
i dunno.
everytime whenever we quarrel,
*you always dun try to understand how i feel, wad i think.
*you make it like everything *you think and say are right.
but have *you think on my side.?
my point of view.?
sigh.
all these really hurts me.
and thus make me wants to leave *you so to reduce the trouble i bring to *you everytime.
but i noe myself clearly that i wouldn't want to lose *you at all.
i always tell myself that *you will make me happy agn after every quarrel.
but how real can this happiness be.?

there are so many unspoken thoughts of mine that i dunno how to put them in words anymore.
im tired alrd.
all i wish now is i could forget all the bad things had ever happen,
sleep and wake up to face a brand new day agn.
i wish.
i could.

i love *you, baby.

friends. i mean TRUE friends.

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 18:08:33 GMT

ive got sthg to share with u guys who is reading this.
i hope i wud get some gd advices and opinion frm u all.

what do you expect from ur best fren.?
what are the things she nid to do so tat you can see the effort in her makeing you happy, let you feel that you nvr been abandoned after terrible things happen, letting you noe that she is always there for you and trying to gif you her best.

im so disappointed.
im so hurt.
by a gal i always thot she cud understands me well, appreciating wad ive done for her when the guy she love hurt her so badly.
but i guess im wrong.
she now blame me for nt been there when she is really dwn.
( didnt i always lsten and trying my best to gif her my best advices, tellin her the truth of everything so she noe wad and whr went wrong )
saying that now she is gone, ppl will den start looking for her.
she said that no one care abt her prob so much.
she said that no one cud understand her.
she said she wonder hu will pity her.
she now kinda blame me for sayin that 3rd party cant help in such situation when things btw her and e guy she love went bad.
( but isnt it true tt 3rd party cant do much except giving advices but however, advices werent hit by her )

had she ever thot tt if i dun care abt her, i wud jus ignore her.
if i dun bother abt her prob, i wudnt even listen to her.
if i dun care abt her feeling, i wudnt jus kip quiet and let her vent her anger, her saddness on me.
if i dun care her presence as a fren, i wudnt bother to msg her everyday, tryin to noe how's life.
i din noe wad i had done means nth to her.
she dun see all the care and all frm me.
den,
can anyone tell me how hurting tis can be.

i admit i get cranky smtime when i tok to her she doesnt listen but shoot me bck alot.
i admit tt i get kinda angry when she dun care how i feel when she talks bck to me.
but all these i wudnt put it in hrt becoz afterall, she is still my gd fren.

but wad i gt bck frm her now.?
hurtful words.
words that really makes me think thrice,
"had i done my best for her.? wad ive nt done enuff.?"

there are many many wrds i wud like to say but i jus cudnt cont.
the mroe i type i type the more i feel like tearing.
sigh.
i cudnt believe that i cared so much abt this fren and yet she doing tis bck to me.
her ignorance.
her mia.
sigh.
shud i be like her, the way she wants to give me up as her fren, her baobei.?
guess i cudnt bring myself to tis.

im hard on the outside but im really soft inside.
darlings shud noe me rite.?
i cud haf a 16yrs of frenship with 1 of my fren, we quarrel ALOT of times, even say wan brk jiemei-ship, scold each other in blog/tag etc but still i kip her as my fren.
a fren i wud treasure.
n now, we are stil bck as fren agn.
( u noe hu u are ^_^ eeyore. lol. )

so wad's the exception this time round.?
we din quarrel, i din scold u, i din hurt u in any way, i tried so hard to be there for u everytime u nided me.
so many so many things ive done.
so many so many things we went thru tgt, shared tgt.
now,
jus becoz of dunno wad reason,
u went missing and worse, saying those hurtful things to me.

have you thot how i wud feel, gal.?
):

i treasure every single fren i haf esp those i went thru alot with
( darlings! i hearts the 4 of u. serious. all these 7 yrs u gals nvr gif me up. )

sigh.
tell me im wrong this time.
ive nt done my best for my bestie.
):

stuck.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 07:35:33 GMT

i swear live journal is so much difficult than blogger.
arghs.
can someone help me make tis webby nicer and look-able.?

bleahs.

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 16:51:45 GMT

alrite.
this is the first time im using livejournal and it seems pretty hard for me to get use to it.
and seriously im really lazy to pass this url to everyone so ya,
pals,
help me pass ard by editing the link in ur blog or LJ.
thanks.
(:

well,
i think tis LJ wil oso end up like my blog.
left untouch for dunno how many years.
hahas.
but i promise i wil try to make an effort to update as much as possible.
yep yep.

ytd was mummy's bdae.
celebrated with *baby and jac.
we dinned at the indonesia riverside resturant.
eh, not a bad one.
it pretty cheap and the food was yummy.
darlings,
we can go try it out !
(:
and mummy love all the suprises i gave her til she is just one step away from tearing.
hahas.
the Guess bag was the one she gt a shock out wif.
see the joy on her face,
all the money i spent are all worthwhile.
hey mum,
am i getting a shockin present on my bdae too.
hahas.

after tat,
went cylcling with *baby.
gt the bicycle from ace.
nice seeing her after such a long time.
still the same hurr.
hug her and try ahem-ahem becoz she isnt wearing.
hahs.
nice nice.
the feeling of seeing her and tokin to her and makin her to wipe the bicycle for me.
wad a gd fren she is hurr.
yes,
and i can sae that she can be a better fren than a lover
(:

but the cycling wasnt to successful becoz my it broke dwn half way.
so me and *baby went bck after tt.
sry *baby,
couldnt go jln kayu last nite.
will make it up to *you.
huggies.

alrite.
gtg study.
the thot of sch hols are going to be over just sucks.
really.
sigh.