Speaking of the silent words

Speaking of the silent words

♥ ; its only YOU.

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My first TP test.

[Aug. 21st, 2008|11:38 pm]

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Current Mood

angry

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YEAH!
i had my first TP ytd at 1545hrs and i FAILED. with 40 points. just alone inside the circuit. so clever, cynthia. keep it up! and ppl who are reading this and taking TP in near future, pls take note of those ah nei on road or at construction site. they just think that the roads are own by them and i swear they will make u fail like an idiot.

FUCK.

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treasure.

[Jul. 27th, 2008|01:33 am]

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Current Mood

blank

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the other night, lester gave me this website of someone's blog. he ask me to read starting from the 10th june onwards. i asked him why he jus tell me to read and so i did. the song played on the blog is saddening. and then i go on reading. and then i end up tearing. its actually a blog the gf of clifton ( the army boy who is a pilot to be and pass away during the army training in brunei ).
on the 10th, girl was waiting to see her bf in like 4days time. she is a happy girl then. the post after that which is the 18th june, is the post that make me tear like no one business. the way she mention how he left her so sudden, the things they yet to do and many more,make me realise how sudden something cud happen to one. i cudnt imagine how she goes thru the pain of losing someone she love so dearly, someone she had been tgt for 4yrs, someone she call almost husband. i noe if im in her shoe, i definitely wun be as strong as her. as i read on her posts, every single one she mentioned abt him, saying he will still come back and all. my god, can u imagine the trauma she is going thru every single day? looking at the pictures they've taken tgt, those smses left in her fone, the machine "answering" her call when she dial his no. imagine u no longer will receive any more msges nor calls from ur bf. it jus totally sucks. furthermore, knowing that you cud nvr see him agn, hug and kiss him anymore. the warmth of his body no longer be felt. you just couldnt see him agn anymore. oh, tt will be hell. i will choose to lose all my memories. smhow at this pt of time, i will say that memories are the most cruel thing. they will just haunt u every now and then. sigh. i just wish she will be fine.
after reading her blog, i sat back and think. thinking how God let me met hary, make us in love with each other. suddenly. i start to fear. im afraid that i will lose *him so sudden one day. ( i dun wan this to happen. oh pls. ) den smhow i realise how much i havent treasure him well. to the maximum i wud say. the quarrels and arguements, the anger i vent on *him. the ill treatment given to *him at times of my dwn time. oh, cynthia, u havent been a gd gf.
sigh. i dunno how to go on saying how i feel now or rather i dunno how to put them in words. but importantly, just want to share with everyone that, pls treasure EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in ur life now before its too late to regret. and this is a reminder to me. yes, treasure.

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random.

[Jul. 14th, 2008|12:04 am]

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bored

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yeah, i know its like damn long since i last posted. haha. im jus to lazy to update. anw, hows everyone? i hope all doing fine. attachment finishing soon in 3mks time and which means im having my hols REAL soon. i cant wait for it. seriously. well, i knew alot alot of nice ppl during these attachment, nice doctors (handsome ones) lols. come to think about passing out soon, im not prepared. not at all. i just wish to be in nursing student uni always. the responsibilities when in SGH uni will be so much different and i start to doubt about myself whether i cud cope with it. sigh. is nursing wad i really wan to do for the rest of my life? i wonder.
after nursing patients for the past 3 yrs, i finally gt to be a patient. yeah yea, i was admitted at A&E observation ward on fri. now they have such rule that u can be warded at A&E for at least 8hrs and no nid to be warded at ward level so to save one day charge. well, lying on the bed, with drip on my hand, blood drawing and the stupid doc had really bad skill becos its damn PAINFUL. haha. when i was lying there, many thoughts came to me. i finally understand that kind of helplessness, hopelessness emotions that my patients are overcoming every single day. im jus warded for 8hrs and i cant wait to go home. im only on drip for 4hrs and i cant stand the pain and inconvinence of moving ard. now i understand why sm patient gets really f at times.
okays. turning in. tmr have to report to wrk alrd. shugs. can someone make weekends longer? i will appreciate it.
(: good nights all.

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FUCK

[Mar. 22nd, 2008|01:54 am]

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Current Mood

satisfied

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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck off, love.

FUCK !

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whats love all about now.?

[Mar. 22nd, 2008|01:42 am]

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Current Mood

pissed off

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seriously, i need someone to tell me what is love all about now.? isit jus merely talking about 2 people having feelings for each other or is it sthg more than that.? i dont know. i never felt so lost in love before especially when 2 ppl are still in love. i always strongly believe that in a relationship, we nid to trust each other, tolerate, acceptance, understandings and importantly communicating. i failed all those i mentioned. i cant communicate with my *bf, and today, i realised how much *he believe those words, explanations that are coming out from my mouth. i dont know how to go on from here. i tried. i really tried letting *him noe how i feel exactly, wads on my mind, but *he can never understands and accept them. so, here, tell me whats the point me trying to explain myself so much when things goes wrong.? i always thought that ur significant one will always listen, understand and accept unless its sthg too much. i always thought that ur significant one will always be there for you be it happy, sad or angry. but why is it that i seems to have *him only when im happy and sometime sad. when it comes to me being angry, we will end up quarreling.? yes, i admit i shudnt vent my anger on *him but i always thought *he wud understand. but i guess im wrong.
at this very point of time, i feel like walking away. *he always says that i solve every prob by walking away and putting brk up in my mouth. yes, i admit i do. and the only reason is, i strongly believe tt a rs arent suppose to be like this. im tired. im really am. i tried hard too, i put in effort too. but will *he believe wad i say.? the thought having a boyfriend who dont even willing to listen, understand, accept and solving those superficial probs, i just feel like giving up. its nt because i dun feel anything for *him anymore but is that i really dunno how to show my affections towards *him anymore.
i always have the thought that since we will definitely meet more probs ahead us if we were to last, and now, small probs like these we cant even solve it, den what say those major ones.? if i were to choose, i will really choose to end eve4rything early than keep it dragging. it will be so much harder to part then. and its one of the reason y i always choose to walk away when probs arise. isnt brkin up now better than in the future.? i dont know if i having this thinking is right but all i know is im alrd so out words to explain, out of ideas to try to solve probs. it wun wrks when you only having one hand to clap. and yes, im doing that right now. i hate tokin to *him when probs arise becoz im jus like tokin to myelf. there is no response, no words from *him.! so, isnt it tt im tokin to myself.?
im pissed. damn pissed i swear. i have no patience now, seriously. fuck.
move on or let go.?
im sick and tired of all these rubbish.!
fuck off !

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its not easy to see

[Feb. 5th, 2008|04:46 pm]

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Current Mood

gloomy

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It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And I show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A babe that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won't fall down while I'm asleep

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Define LOVE ?

[Jan. 21st, 2008|12:32 am]

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Current Mood

depressed

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im lost without you.
im hurt been with you.

i love you, yes i know.
you love me, no i don't know.

let me go if you arent true anymore.
i will take my love for you with me,
to a place you won't find me.

love?
tell me what's it.
define?
for me.

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sharing.

[Jan. 10th, 2008|10:43 pm]

[

Current Mood

lonely

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awesome songs which tells off my indescribable feelings. Enjoy them ya.

Over You by Chris Daughtry

Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Aparatus

Blind by Lifehouse

Collide by Howie Day

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updated.

[Jan. 10th, 2008|09:23 pm]

[

Current Mood

indescribable

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hello.! yup i noe i havent been updating for like so damn long. i guess i just got the sudden thot of posting sthg here today. dunno why, seems to have alot of unwanted emotions now. school and love. yes, they really plunges me into depression, into an oh-again kind of emotions. FYP is driving me nuts. all those high demands, those confused instruction, those sudden datelines. like oh fcuk. plus many many date due-ing projects and im starting one of my exam nxt week. im dying. i swear.

love.? well well, as usual, those quarrels and arguements. i admit that im so much not so soft-hearted as compared but however, im still not brave enough bringing myself to face any tremendous cahnges that may occur if i choose to end tis rs. im very sure about my feelings for him are still so true, but i really cant just ignore the probs we facing. communication btw us broke dwn. for little thing, tats it. argue. now, im boyfriend-less and it will last for the nxt 2 days. i told him, these 3 days, we can think thru our rs. think thru how tis rs shud move on. im sad. im despair. i felt so lost. i felt so lonely now. sigh. i finding things to do to kip my mind occupied. to carry my mind away from those hurting things.

ok. i dunno how i shud carry on. off i go. bye.

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move on or let go ?

[Sep. 29th, 2007|04:48 pm]

[

Current Mood

depressed

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i thought things will get better between us.
but not till today.
i thought our relationship had always stood strong and still.
but not till today.
i thought ive found someone who really can tolerates me who understands me.
but not till today.
i thought ive found someone who will accept who i am and how i am.
but not till today.

today, on the 29.09.07
our 11th monthsary,
i found out alot of things.
i realise alot of things.
i learnt alot of things.
all the things *you told me all these days make me think alot.
never we quarrel for so many days.
never i feel so strange to *you.
never i thought our relationship will come to this stage.
the shoutings, the accusing, the assuming, the ignorance, the attitude, the temper.
suddenly, i feel tat i lost the guy who loves me well loves me true.
*he is gone.

this is the worst monthsary i ever have.
i really dunno wad else i can do wad else i can say.
i come to this stage that i really really really dunno how to move on.
i wan to love *him still i wan *him in my life still.
but i also dun wan a relationship like tis.
i dun wan to be someone who can never listen to me anymore, never understands me anymore.
someone who only want to doubt me in everything i say i do.
i dunno i dunno i really dunno.
if letting go makes things better,
i'll leave.
i will.
for the best for both of us.

im thinking.
im reflecting.
i dun understand why and what change things to be like this.
we used to fight like this but why this time seems to be the last time.
the feeling is strong in losing each other.
yes.
its there.

the tears,
never stop flowing.
the heart,
never stop hurting.
oh God,
please take all these away!
please.
if You need,
take me away.!

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